The Republican Party today announced a comprehensive plan to address global warming. As the Party never believed global warming exists, it came as a surprise even to themselves.
“Unlike Democrat tax and regulate plans, this is simple, comprehensive, and handles the problem immediately, once and for all”, said House Speaker, John Boehner, a-glowing. “Instead of stopping global warming it reverses it. And, we know this is a good bill because it is only one-page long.”
The bill, authored by freshman Tea Party Member Ben Quayle—whose Vice-President father, Dan, was said to have promoted a manned-mission to the sun, proposing to avoid the extreme heat by going at night–is called the “Reverse [Non-Existent] Global Warming With a Stroke of the Pen” Act. It outlaws Fahrenheit, substituting Celsius for all temperature readings, reports and thermometers, and thereby instantaneously reduces all temperatures.
“Fahrenheit, like fluoridation of water before it, is a socialist plot. It is designed to make people believe the temperature is hotter than it is,” said Senator Jim Imhofe (R-OK). “They want you to believe, for example, that it is 68° in Tulsa, whereas we can now say it is only 20°. That is more than a 3-fold difference. In my part of the country we don’t even bother to call it a hoax, we call it a lie”.
Likely candidate for the Republican nomination, Mitt Romney, said: “I never used the ‘F’ word—even when I hunted varmints.” A likely Romney opponent, Michelle Bachman (R-MN), blamed Obamacare. “Under Obamacare, the normal adult temperature is 98.6°, whereas we know it is just 37°. With no one having high temperatures anymore, who would need medical care?”
“God created us with, I think it’s somewhere around 10 fingers and 10 toes,” growled Sara Palin, the 2008 Republican VP nominee. “Leave it to the lamestream media to invent some crazy system so you can’t count temperature by common sense conservative use of those fingers and toes to attack me and my family”.
Entertainer and enforcer Rush Limbaugh could hardly contain himself. Gushing, chortling, laughing, harrumphing, he told his radio listeners, “we told them there was this clean, simple solution where the government doesn’t have to regulate anything except a “C” for an “F”. What are they going to say now?” Glen Beck’s blackboard showed a circled “pha” in Caliphate, linked by a line to a circle around the “Fa” in Fahrenheit.
Speaker Boehner said they would now move swiftly to pass the bill, and remove any global warming jurisdiction from the EPA because it would no longer be necessary. “I’m feelin’ lucky, that is, time to light up a Lucky”.
Asked to comment on the Republican plan, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said: “the President welcomes all ideas on how we can combat global warming and hopes to work closely with Republicans to incorporate their suggestions.”
In other news, Libyan dictator Moammur Qaddafi/Qadhafi/Khaddafy/Gaddafy said he could not step down from power because, like global warming, he does not even exist. “If I existed, I would have a name, and everyone could spell it”, he said while writing the letters to v-o-l-u-p-t-u-o-u-s. “See, I know that exists”.
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