Fighting Things That Aren’t There

Have you heard about Zombie ACORN? The conservative media is a-twitter with ACORN sightings over a year and a half after the right wing succeeded in killing off the voter-registering, community organizing group. Behind the 99% in the Occupy movement is ACORN, did you hear? They just won’t die.

It’s ironic. The conservative “pimp” with the video camera wore the outrageous outfit, but it’s Zombie ACORN conservatives report seeing everywhere like Elvis. (Elvis isn’t really dead, you know.)

Conservatives must have been the inspiration for the “Halloween” movies. For one, because of what Siskel and Ebert called the Calvinism berserko world view. That is: think about having sex and die. And two, because you can’t kill the Boogie Man.

Half a century after the Red Scare, American conservatives are still looking for Reds under their beds before they crawl beneath their sheets.

Two decades after the Berlin Wall came down and they declared that Saint Ronald of Reagan won the Cold War, conservatives are still fighting it. They’re still looking for commies in the woodpile.

Not even the Chinese are commies anymore. Have you seen Shanghai? They must have cornered the free market in concrete, glass and steel skyscrapers and the cranes to build them. They sure as hell cornered the market in capitalist jobs. And still, conservatives can’t get their heads out of their anti-communism.

They’re always resurrecting dead enemies, and rallying around the flag to fight things like the Boogie Man. Things that aren’t there.

Forty years after the Summer of Love, conservatives are still looking to punch hippies who aren’t there for wearing love beads that aren’t there, and for sticking daisies in gun barrels. Some memories are timeless, I guess.

The Bushies spent upwards of $1 trillion dollars that wasn’t there to look for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq that weren’t there because Saddam Hussein had an al Qaida connection that wasn’t there, in a war that wasn’t there until they invaded.

Now conservative legislators are rewriting election laws all across the country to prevent so-called voter fraud that isn’t there, obstructing Congress and slashing state budgets to ensure jobs aren’t there for millions of Americans, all so they can put a Marxist president who isn’t there out of a job.

The party of ideas that aren’t there would have you believe they are the only people prepared to lead America forward in the 21st century. Fourteen million Americans are out of work, desperate, and looking to their leaders for help. And where is the party of the 1% when the 99% needs them?

They aren’t there.